I’ve often stated that one of the most important elements of a successful marriage is being able to repair your relationship after an argument. By the way, this doesn’t mean that all of your disputes will be solved. It simply means that you can find ways to restore intimacy, forgive each other, and move forward without bitterness or a grudge. Dr. Gottman advises us that couples can live with unsolvable differences about ongoing issues in their relationship as long as... Read more
Dear Terry, I’ve been married to John for ten years and I’m worried because we’ve lost the passion and loving feelings we used to have. There’s something missing from our marriage and I don’t know how to get it back. Here’s the problem – we’re more like roommates than lovers. We’re hardly ever alone and when we are, we mostly talk about our kids, Jessica and Thomas, who are three and six, and we rarely discuss our relationship or have... Read more
Sydney, 39, and Tim, 40, have been attending counseling sessions for over three months and when I asked them what they were doing to celebrate their anniversary this year, they both paused and said they didn’t have plans. Tim reflects, “It doesn’t matter what we do for our anniversary, we never really get along anyway.” Sydney responds, “This is true, it seems hypocritical for us to go out for a pricy dinner when we argue and never really listen to... Read more
While it’s normal to seek solace, companionship, and a sexual relationship after a breakup, it’s crucial to take it slow when you have kids so you can assess whether this relationship is casual or might be permanent. If you approach dating thoughtfully and consider that your children’s loyalty may be divided, it will pay off in the long run. Your kids may feel a mixed bag of emotions about you dating and even harbor reconciliation fantasies. The wildly successful “Parent... Read more
Family meetings are useful to plan events and to hash out new roles, rules and problems that exist between family members. For the most part, a family meeting is a good place to be vulnerable with each other and to let your feelings, thoughts, and needs be heard by other members in a safe atmosphere. As long as feelings are stated in a non-blameful way, solutions can be reached through compromise and good listening skills discussed under “8 Rules of... Read more
During their first counseling session, Rebecca, 37, and Kevin, 36, discuss how they tend to dig their heels in during arguments, and how bickering can quickly escalate into a dispute. We’ve all been there: the day-to-day routine with our partner falls into a pattern of conflict, and fighting seems inevitable. When the central relationship in our lives feels fraught and a fight looms around every corner, our emotional health and our other, non-romantic relationships suffer. In a recent article for... Read more
Kyla, 38, sat on the couch of my office telling me about her unhealthy relationship with Keith,40, and how after ten years, she was still living with him and putting up with verbal abuse and disrespect. Kyla put it like this, “I’m not sure why I’m still with him. The put downs have gotten worse and my self-esteem is at an all time low. The other day I was driving the car and took a wrong turn (because it was... Read more
Karen, in her late-forties, is an architect whose first marriage ended due to infidelity. She married her husband Brian, 52, on the rebound after a brief courtship. Karen often reacts with fear and suspicion when he returns home late from work or there’s the slightest imperfection in his story. Karen has a tendency to catastrophize when she says to Brian, “You’re always putting work first and you don’t care about me.” In the past, Brian reacted negatively to these accusations,... Read more
When Lauren, 50, described her self-destructive behaviors during a counseling session, it seemed clear that she was in a rut and not working on her goal to stop smoking and become healthier. She seemed defensive whenever I brought up the topic and yet complained about coughing and feeling worried about her lungs and the possibility of developing lung cancer one day. In an April article for The Gottman Institute’s blog, Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart offers readers advice on how to disrupt... Read more
When Maria, thirty-eight, and Ethan, forty, sat on the couch in my counseling office, they spoke about the stress that they experience when discussing money-related issues. Since Maria was laid off from her job, six months ago, they’re having more difficulty paying for their mortgage, household expenses, and both essential and discretionary items for themselves and their two daughters, ages eight and ten. Maria laments, “I’ve been searching for jobs but have not not been able to land one yet.... Read more
Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In